Tomorrow, my little boy, me, and other random stuff

Tomorrow is special.  I get to spend the day with my little boy.  The youngest of four, Cameron and I rarely get one-on-one time together.  Lately it has been especially hard because I have been fighting depression for months now.  I've tried to keep it from the kids and I think I am coming through it.  But it's been hard.  I think the winter here has a lot to do with it.  It's been so dark and we've been stuck at the house until I get my car running again (and the thing looks so good!).  I wish I was one of  those trooper moms who  just manage to fight through the tough times with smiles on their faces and cookies on the counter for the fam.  I am not. 

I've also been busting my butt trying to pick up writing gigs.  I've done it and found that my niche is SEO copy.  It pays well enough...
I picked up a ghost writing gig for a coffee table book and ended up in an all out war with the photographer and his assistant, threatening to keep their materials until I saw money.  That sucked.  They got their stuff and I got my money...as much of it as they felt like sending.  It's over and I'm glad, but it was a month worth of hassle that I could have done without.

I've also been mad at, well, at God.  Everything I've ever believed is being challenged.  Don't let anyone fool you.  I do NOT like a challenge! I'm too lazy.  I fly by the seat of my pants.  Challenges? Those are for the "other" people.  What does all this mean --- that I don't have to be "doing" anything for God to move on my behalf? I have such a Martha mentality that I must constantly be moving or doing...case in point:  Recently my husband and I attended our youngest daughter's softball practice.  It was freezing outside (surprise) so we sat in the car.  It was an hour and a half long practice.  I was beside myself.  My husband smiled and said,  "Just relax.  Enjoy."
Relax? I don't even know what that word means.  I'm surprised I can spell it.  I don't know how to BE.  The challenge in my life right now is to "be".  To let God be God and stop trying to save the world.  He already did that for those who can accept the Gift. 

I think I've gotten lost somewhere along the way.  I don't know what my place in this life is anymore.  I don't know where I belong.  My views of what ministry is have fallen apart thanks to the best pastor and group of people who really "get it".  Ministry is not what we do...it's what God does through us...we are human "beings", not human "doings", etc.  I also feel like a lousy mother because I've spent so much time glued to the computer in search of work that will help us do more than "get by".  I'm resentful that we've fallen just short financially for so long now.  (And I feel guilty after reading my friend Josh's blog about having enough...) I feel like a mess.  It sucks.  This is really random and I am really tired.  I'll try to write more later. 

In the meantime I really am stoked that I get to go garage sale hunting with my little boy tomorrow! It's rare that I have the car so it's a real treat. Plus, he loves garage sales! How cool is that?